It is that time of year to grade the talents and qualifications of our team.
After a lackluster 2007-08 schedule, there is anticipation for a strong upcoming season, with wit and wisdom previously unforeseen on a basketball board. However, I hint for cautionary optimism, as several "talents" have lately shown signs of age-related incontinence caused by profound idiocy and unfocused anger at more complacent comrades.
Dabods - without a doubt, the best PhillyArena Forum board monitor we have ever had. His gentle nudging of some of the more "extreme" team members to do better with what limited skills they bring to the board has produced stellar results, if not fruitful outcomes. By allowing the shade of his tree to part on occasion to show how some arguments die on their own instead of smothering them before they get a chance to fester the roots of ??..you get the point. Suggestion. Could you provide some smileys that actually look like the posters around here? Except for Reality, of course. A horse's ass smiley would be confusing to Laker Dan's kids.
His biggest negative attribute - not enough participation. We are better off when he joins in, even if he must be chewing his lips off at some of the ideologies various posters bring to the board.
Jemagee - an interesting addition. Providing ample ammunition to loading up the blunderbuss's of commentary for other posters on those rare occasions when responses are required, he joins one or two others in filling a void of bizarre behavior every board needs to survive. Many of us would simply whither away without such inspiration.
His biggest positive attribute - volume.
Jn - another sorely underutilized talent, we are never better off when jn has better things to do. What could these better things be, we all wonder? Could he be moonlighting on a political board? We shutter to thing that could be the case. We prefer to think he has too many affairs of the heart to keep straight, so he must spend much of his time sorting out his thoughts prior to responding, so as to not end up offending someone he mistakes for another.
Biggest negative attribute - other then living in Minnesota?
Joe Vancil - our most racially-charged poster never hesitates to share his personal experiences with us, from being raised in a cross-burning environment and participating in KKK rallies to living in a wasteland of non-basketball team communities. Where is that again, Joe, between St. Louis and Kansas City? Hard to believe that your only outlet of hardfloor participation includes skandery. Oh, to be a smudge on the court to see how THAT one-on-one match-up must look. Do you have any video?
Biggest negative attribute - being a white point guard in pick-up games, clearly.
JoMal - at least he tries.
Laker Fan - He claims to be of Native American heritage, but he doesn't drink, does not curse, is a family man, and speaks and writes English like he grew up educated here. How can that be? His support of the Lakers is insane, but he also has said nice things about other teams <Kings> on occasion, which implies he is allowed out of the Laker Loony Bin on weekends, unlike others who I obviously can't identify <WOW, westkoast, msc, Randy> in case their intelligence reviews come back negative and they must extend their stays in wussyville. Dan's constant monitoring of wow's insults to the vocabularily-unchallenged lends to the belief he must be lying about who he really is. Speculation is that he really is Al Gore.
Biggest negative attribute - He has actually had the audacity to challenge ME on occasion. Almost (not quite) unforgivable.
Lurker - the well-nicknamed alternative to political reasonableness, Lurk has issues as yet undefined and he is currently waiting to implode. Being a taxman, this is normal. His basketball acumen has often been noted, especially by Laker fans who cannot believe anyone who roots for a team in Texas could best them with one wit tied behind his back as often as is the case. The problem is he is not truly a Texan - he just lives there. If he did not try to fit in by dribbling tobacco juice down onto his suede cowboy boots, he long ago would have been sh*tcanned over the border into Oklahoma.
Needs to improve - his appreciation for Northern California in regards to it NOT being part of that other region of the state.
Msc - Very confused and confusing poster. Is msc short for miscellaneous? No, probably just his initials. Either way, his participation on PhillyArena has more to do with a lack of commitment elsewhere in his sad, SoCal existence. When his on-line solitaire game freezes up, he suddenly "commits" to our little place on the Net. And then, only when his Lakers drop trou and show off their miscellaneous shortcomings.
Greatest weakness - his choice of teams. If he only could understand how little he has in common with them, he could be so much more.
Randy - <burp> ..., <burp>.. Not sure why, but every time Randy posts, I get gas..<fart>...<fart>..just mentioning his name?..<burp>...<fart>... that makes me reach for my GasEx. Does he work in an office with, you know, other people? THAT must be unfortunate for them. Has the government funded any special studies to harness his power?
Greatest attribute - see above.
Reality - Sad to say, without Reality, we never would get to know certain other posters on PhillyArena. His volume of posts surpasses all others. His generating so many passionate responses to his posts is beyond belief. How can anyone not understand his importance to the board? He drives some posters FRAN bonkers. Others, he drives over to the FRAN's so he does not have to turn his head around. His basement lair is littered with unopened KFC buckets; his walls plastered with old photos of past B-Ball teams he once called his own, with the eyes of the players scratched out and replaced with Lord of the Flies eyes. His personal demons are his best friends.
His main, unaddressed issue - WE are his personal demons.
Rickortreat - Our own, personal gold standard, whatever else he brings gets lost in translation, or his lack of a convenient keyboard, especially if his beloved Sixer's lost last nights' game. Who is Rick? Does he vote? Does he eat? Does he poop like the rest of us? If you think "none of the above", you understand the heart of the problem. I think, "he lives in Philadelphia" answers most of his 'issues' problems, but that is not enough.
Biggest question mark - Who ARE you, when not hording gold and where do you go when the Sixer's lose?
Skandery - I have yet to find any negative or tricksie posts from our resident Midwestern/mideasterner. Is he planning something? YES!! To infiltrate our network of NBA analyzers with basketball acumen gleaned from JV during B-Ball camp. Clever. Now if he can only convince me he actually has an NBA team to root for. I think he prefers baseball.
Biggest issue - He never asks me how my Kings are doing unless he knows the answer will be negative.
SPURSX3 - separated at birth from Spursfan101, he now hates his unnatural brother. The similarities do not stop there. Both are eerily antagonistic towards one another. Only one posts at a time; like, you never see them at the keyboard at the same time. S-fan is short and fat, SpursX3 has no body hair. They blame their mothers for how weird they look, when in actuality they never knew their "real" father. Or so they say?..hmmmm. They also think Popovich is "handsome", unquote.
Biggest non-genetic issue - They thinking Popovich is handsome is not enough for you?
Ted - Ted, is your first name Jack, you Mormon? Jack "Ted" Mormon is NOT one of us. We all believe there is a big weather balloon influencing our lives in ways we only can make up over time, while Jack thinks some all-powerful being is up there somewhere with a big needle. If Jack could only understand the beliefs of others, he would be so much more fun at parties. As it is, he tells everyone he thinks the Jazz were created in James Naismith's imagine. What he REALLY believes in that they look just like James' older brother Joseph <Nai>Smith, who was notorious for writing some other book.
Biggest influence in his life - Joe Vancil
Wayoutwest - Ah, yes, my very favorite Laker fan, which is like saying my very favorite boil on my butt. If staph infections had names, Miguel would be my first choice. I say that with all the affection warranted. If WOW could only use his insights and innuendos for goodness and not evil; if he could only let Reality believe he was clever; if only there was a cool place in hell. But alas, WOW would not be allowed in anyway because he does not know the secret password. Someday, Lakerfan will tell him, but until that day comes to pass, WOW must keep guessing until Dan finally tells him his use of that word was correct.
Biggest challenge - trying to live up to his own expectations.
Westkoast - a makeshift poster who has yet to get what others are talking about, he insists it is they who need to figure out what HE is saying, like anyone really cares. However, it never stops him from trying to best his betters. His efforts are certainly worthy, but if he makes us scratch our heads in wonderment much longer, we all will be as bald as SpursXs. One day, when he grows up and leaves his mom's house, every unprotected young computer geek in SoCal will require metal undershorts. Even the Lakers do not acknowledge him in the parking lot after games as he throws love posts at them that are still in his computer.
Biggest misunderstanding - I actually like him.
Ziggy - a poster who has been 'reinvented' at least three times, it is now believed there have been several ziggy's all using that name. First, he just annoyed Laker fans, then, he was annoyed with Blazer players, who were better at criminality then HE was - most aggravating. FINALLY, he is suddenly an "expert" on other things, like politics and financing, and how best to unclog septic tanks. (His advice - NEVER from underneath was priceless, if untimely). I was hoping he would give more advice on how to vote next month, but suddenly he is mute, or is it because the topic is now moot? Mute - moot, what's the difference?
Best kept secret - He thinks Greg Oden is better then Shaq was in his prime, and dares any dumb Laker fan to come out here and prove otherwise.
And finally, I would like to say if you all take any of this seriously, I will need to expand on it some more. Let's enjoy another season of NBA basketball!!
