What headlines we can next expect from the fragile Eastern franchises:
Boston: Ricky Davis has spectacular dunk in last nights game. Unfortunately, it was at the wrong basket. As a direct result, Danny Ainge fires the team ball boy. "I know he is supporting his grandmother, but we can't allow anyone around the team who the players clearly have lost confidence with influencing their minds."
Miami: Lamar Odom dribbles the ball off his foot and out-of-bounds six times in last night's game. As a direct result, the team fires their office clerk. In a team announcement regarding the decision, a spokesman said: "It was time for mom to go. She insisted it was seven times and we just can't abide by such disloyalty.
New Jersey: Kenyan Martin attacks stadium car attendant for dropping his keys, leaving the handicapped girl hospitalized and unconscious. As a direct result, the team fires the attendant. "She started it. She dropped Kenyan's keys because she couldn't stop shaking. We have to protect our own."
New York: Allan Houston accuses locker room attendant of theft, getting the fifty-year Knick employee fired. Suffering from the sniffles, Allan was blowing his nose using $100 bills, as he normally does ever since signing his last contract, and tossing them around the locker room. Locker room attendant Bill Jones picked one up to "dispose of it properly", according to the perp, when the 80 year old man was gang tackled by Houston and the rest of the Knick players and held down until the police could be called and haul the criminal away. "No nobody handles my wad", Houston said later.
Orlando: Rod Strickland found drunk and disorderly in downtown Orlando. As a direct result, the team fires their security guard. "He is the one who said, 'Good night, Mr Strickland', when Rod left the stadium tonight. Who knows what sinister meaning lurked behind those words that sent poor Rod off the wagon."
Philadelphia: Derrick Coleman's knee collapses from his weight during his "rehab" for a fractured finger. As a direct result, the team fires the team trainer. "How could the man allow Derrick to gain all that weight, knowing it could potentially weaken his knees? Derrick can't even be expected to feed himself with his injured hand. There had to be some duplicity on the trainer's part in this."
Washington: Kwame Brown misses team flight to Cleveland, stating later, "I've been to Cleveland. I wanted to go someplace else." As a direct result, the team fires the assistant responsible for arranging scheduling. "I guess working 120 hours a week isn't a guarantee that they can foresee a problem brewing over players preferences about where they have to travel. I trust the next assistant doesn't possess that type of limited thinking."
