[size=8]Things you have to believe to be a Republican today:[/size]
*Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for
your recovery.
*The United States should get out of the United
Nations, and our highest national priority is
enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
*Government should relax regulation of Big Business and
Big Money but crack down on individuals who use
marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
*Standing Tall for America means firing your workers
and moving their jobs to India.
*A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own
body, but multi-national corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without
regulation.
*Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals
and Hillary Clinton.
*The best way to improve military morale is to praise
the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.
*Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you
someday run for governor of California as a
Republican.
*If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't
have sex.
*A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and
money.
*Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy.
Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
*Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk
science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
*Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy
when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
*A president lying about an extramarital affair is an
impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is solid
defense policy.
*Government should limit itself to the powers named in
the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages
and censoring the Internet.
*The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle
trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of
our business.
*You support states' rights, which means Attorney
General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter
initiatives they have a right to adopt.
*What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is
irrelevant.
*Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to a spirit of international harmony.
