We all need a laugh these days...so here ya go!
DEEP THOUGHTS By Jack Handey
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava let 'em
go, because man, they're gone.
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The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of
the face.
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Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset?
And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak,
and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet.
And also, you're drunk.
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,
"God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."
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If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my
First instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and
She fell on me? Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny
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I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king,
they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some
Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
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Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call
them 'impressions,' and if you got a different 'impression,' so
what, can't we all just get along?
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Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some
sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
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I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed
out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years,
because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
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Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, its made up of two separate words:
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery
and that's why so is mankind.
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If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else
flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
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It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money.
And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting
there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
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If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a
beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
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As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than
a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
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I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd
never expect it.
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I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its
eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a
good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
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Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right
there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read
good books.
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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds
singing and the wind rustling through the leaves that makes you want to
get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the
public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then
lay down and go to sleep.
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Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks
out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's
like a regular window.
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During the middle ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was
not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
corner."
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