By Pete Sweigard
Friday, February 27th, 2004
NEW YORK (sPERTS.net) – Shawn Kemp has joined a new team. Drug maker Delhon Inc. announced that the former All-Star will be the spokesman for a revolutionary wonder drug, Unerecta, designed to impede erectile function.
A NBA veteran of 14 years, Kemp has fathered seven illegitimate children, or .5 kids/year during his career, as the Unerecta press packet noted in its Fun Facts section.
Unlike your father’s old-fashioned erectile dysfunction pill, Unerecta involves a multi-tiered treatment program. First, you take the pill. The next step is similar to a massage parlor happy ending, only the happy ending is replaced by a mallet-bearing midget striking strategically-placed blows to the subject’s groin area.
Speaking solemnly to reporters, Kemp pledged to spread the message throughout the NBA and beyond. "When you don't have to pay child support payments, you'll have a lot more dough for bling, dubs, and marijuana indictments," Kemp said, before being led away for another dose of Unerecta.
Analysts estimate that without Unerecta, Kemp would have fathered 45 illegitimate children during the past two years.
