Dear Philly Arena Faithful:
I've been reading a lot about me in the - how you say "rags" and I feel the need to offer-up MY side of the story, once and for it.
Being an icon is not all it's cracked-up to be, let me tell you one time. The lights, cameras, paparazzi (that's French, ya know); it's a lot, even for a Haitian-Canadian-American. Make ONE little prediction and it gets all blown out of whacks. Now, while it is true I said before the season I'd be an All Star this year, I did not say an All Star of which league, now did I. Follow me?
Had the dopes on the Canadian national team not acted so hastily - they'd know what you Philadelphians have always known: That The Haitian Sensation would have brought them to the promised land. Guaranteed.
And so it is in that same Sammy Spirit that I plan to ask the Sixers front office to indeed trade me: To the Haitian Hurricanes, where I can add both a ring and some All Star swag to my mantle.
Yes, I am signed here through the 2011 season. But this just isn't working out. My coach claims that, well, my minutes are down 25% this year; FG% down; offensive boards are down; defensive boards? Down. Assists, steals, blocks - down as well. "Oh yeah, Tony! You bug-eyed wimp! Pick some stats that MATTER!" Know-nothing.
No, I plan on ripping it up for the Haitian Hurricanes instead. After all, you think being 24th in rebounding is some ACCIDENT?! Why, I'm 10th in blocks for goodness sake! I LEAD THE LEAGUE IN GOALTENDS you moron! And I average one quarter of a block more than your precious Elton Brand! You heard me! A quarter of a block - which, in four games, translates into....into....er.......more blocks than him. I'm .72 BPG ahead of that geiser Theo (who's played 1,075 less minutes than me). How do you like me THEN, Tony, hmmm?!
Speaking of Tony, can you believe some people still think Tony Parker would have been a better pick than me in 2001? Tony Parker!
Look, hows about we just rip up that laughable, paltry contract and call it a day - shall we? And I just quietly return to my homeland with my career 8/8. There I'll settle down, have my 4.79 children (we have a lot of kids here in Haiti), coach a neighborhood kiddie team (as long as my wife agrees to having an additional .21 of a child) and teach those underprivileged rugrats a thing or two about fundamentals. Like ball-handling, outside shooting and underhanded-outletting.
Who knows. Someday I may return to the bright lights and superstar status here in the States. Of course, then, I'll be considered an export of Haiti. Much like oil, mangoes, coffee and cocaine are now.
Until then, adios. (Also French. I think.)
Yours truly,
Sweet Swattin' Sammy
